I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
