I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
