life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize