i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
