if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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