I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
