i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I am one with the molecules
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
