omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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