The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
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