He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
