Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
