I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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