there was a trapeze. enough said
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
