I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
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