Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
