How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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