You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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