I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
