I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
