i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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