Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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