some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
