If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
