I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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