It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
