Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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