my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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