I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
