he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
