all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
