the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
