I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
So many bounce houses so little time
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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