i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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