Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
