When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize