Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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