i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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