i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
