Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
