I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
