Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
