dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
