White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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