Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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