what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
