The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
