i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Come see our sink grown plant.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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