Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Randomize
