At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Randomize
