i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
