so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
