K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
