all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
