The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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