Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You are the jesus of drinking
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
