i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
