I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
