That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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