My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
