i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
