i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
