the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
