seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize