Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
