I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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