I wanna bring you to show and tell
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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